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Children Rhymes (reinterpreted bluntly)

How much lumber could a woodchuck discard
If a woodchuck could discard lumber?

I scream.
Then you scream with me.
Soon we'll find ourselves
Screaming loudly for frozen churned milk

Other Moments When One Shouldn't Text

1. Children's Sporting Events (BONK! SMASH INTO PLASTIC PIECES)
2. Battling 43 Pirates (Sure, your phone would be great to capture this moment. And texting your friends while taking on a band of pirates, one by one, is a great way to show off. But what about all the water you'll get in the phone? Into your keypad, into the small wirey parts? Well, now you've got to go back to the Verizon, and you know from previous experience they don't like to claim warranties just because your phone has been soaked. This is going to cost you. Keep your phone in the treasure chest while fighting 43 pirates!)
3. Hot Dog Eating Contest (You're thinking, Why in the world would I text someone while stuffing my mouth full of pork? Here's the low down: What if someone texts you first, right when you're mid chew on your fifth dog? What are you supposed to do, wait to text them until after you eaten 500, belch, and clean your mouth off? Well, yes. But what if its your girl or boy, and they get mad when you don't text back right away, there you are, texting them in mid-inhale with more crammed in, saying, "Hey, baby, I luv you, lemme call u inna bit, OK?" and they text back, "OK, but what r u doin?" and you're like, "Im inhaling dogs rite now!" and they're like, "Nobody txts wile eatin!" and right about that time you choke. When you come up for air, everybody that was watching is like, "That was one awkward and painful-choke." And now your phone is covered in hot dog and your mate thinks you're a liar. Don't text and eat!)

MYTHS ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM

MYTH:

The current health care reform proposal will not let you choose your own doctor.

FACT:

You will have a wider-than-ever range of doctors to choose from! In order to accommodate 45 million new patients, the plan expands the definition of "doctor" from "medically licensed professional" to now also include:

• Morning radio DJs who have adopted the moniker

• Televised bullies (Phil)

• PhDs in any field, and "All But Dissertation" PhD candidates. Trust us, you will have no problem getting an appointment to see these master procrastinators.

• Soda creators (Pepper)

MYTH:

People in England are deeply unhappy with their socialized medicine system, which ours will become.

FACT:

People in Britain are deeply unhappy with everything. It is their only source of happiness.

Hopefully you aren't terribly offended...and can laugh at some of these